My Retirement Lifestyle

In the four years that I have been retired, I have come to realize that if there has been one word to describe my retirement, it’s transitions. Some transitions have been small, some significant. Some have been wonderful, and some have been heartbreaking.

It has been several months since my last post; grief being the reason why. In the last three years, I have lost my dad, then the older of my two brothers, and then my youngest brother. All unexpected; all devastating.

I know that the process of grief is a transition, and that it takes time to process the multitude of feelings one goes through. Grief is a different journey for all of us. For me, the loss of my dad and my brothers in such a short period of time left my heart broken in pieces. It was traumatic losing our mother at the age of 49, but losing my dad and brothers one right after the other has been a trauma to my heart and soul like no other. I still miss them everyday, and while the pain has lessened, the holes in my heart where they live remain.

As the oldest of four children, I never expected that my brothers would go before me; neither of them reached the age of 60. Dad passed away at 80 but we all thought he would live to see 100 as he was so active and healthy. Now it’s just my sister and me. It hurts my heart to know that 2/3 of our nuclear family are gone, and that just the two of us remain.

Time – I want more of it. I want to go back in time and do things differently. Talk to my dad and brothers more often; make plans more frequently. We all thought we had more time. I envisioned my siblings and I spending more time together in our retirements. Now that the sands of time have run out for my father and brothers, my heart aches with regret for the time together we will no longer have.

Retirement is about transitions, the most significant one being grief over the loss of close family and friends as we age. As I reflect on the past three years, sometimes the grief was so heavy, it it was difficult to see how it was affecting my mental health and sense of well-being, as the sadness permeated my thoughts and my actions. Like with the onset of Spring, hope is renewed now that the fog of grief is lifting.

I am looking for joy in the little things that make life so precious, one day at a time.